rediscovering | avalon inbox;

Terrible. Guilty. I...

[Gokudera puts his elbows on the table, glances about to make sure no one is watching him, because that's not very good table manners. He's been trained, caged, beaten... He takes in a long, shuddering breath, brings his hands up and presses his face into them, heels of his palms pressing into his eyes.]

I've been...

[Should he even tell him? It's all very very very disgraceful and he remembers something about Zuko thinking him dishonorable. It's enough to make his stomach turn.]

I left so many people. [So many people have left him.]

What do you mean?

[ He can see his pain. He’s no idea what’s gone into it, but he knows that look. He’s worn a similar pose himself so many times. There’s clearly a lot to unpack. Zuko’s in no rush, though he does glance around to scan the scene himself once he sees Gokudera had, too. ]

[He can only tell the Tenth so much. He trusts him, but worries so much about judgement... that the Tenth will be repulsed by everything Gokudera has gone through. He hates himself for everything that has happened to him.

It's awful. Gokudera slides his hands up along his temples and gives a trembling inhale, trying to figure out what to explain first.]

The world you were in before this. You had to physically touch to stay alive. I was in a planet where you had to have sex to keep the planet alive. That's not even the worst of it...

[Time for him to admit the most stupid and horribly sad part of it all.]

Everyone was divided into one of two castes based off of their hair color. Dark hair... black, blue, green, or brown were Elites, and light hair, silver, white, blonde, red, pink... they were mongrels. I was in that world for two years and as a mongrel it was illegal for me to be around the Elite. Touching them was illegal. On that planet, my family was there. And not a single one of them could be near me.

[Please read between the lines, Zuko. Don't make Gokudera tell you outright that he had to sleep with strangers to survive.]

I met Yamamoto, did he do anything? No. Mukuro? No. Hibari? No... I haven't seen the Tenth in so long, and I can't face him. And I've met... [His eyes dart as he thinks of how many -including his trips home- different versions of his friends he's met.]

Five different Yamamoto's and I... [The outer corners of his eyes go red, but there aren't any tears in his eyes. Instead, Gokudera stares into the cappuccino Zuko had ordered for him. There isn't even steam coming off it.]

I don't know what to do. I'm disgust-

[Part of his collar glows red and burns him, but he doesn't even react, just gives a grunt.]

-ing and that's just the first world...

[ Zuko’s face is more and more awash with emotion with every next word. He’d thought Lunatia was annoying, but it was comfortable enough. But this? Sounds like a nightmare. He could empathize right away, read between the lines as if it were plainly stated, and his heart is breaking for Gokudera before the end of it. He notices the collar burn his neck, which just draws his brow into an even tighter knot. He wants to remain calm, and really, what can he possibly say to any of this? Now’s the time to listen. But he does have one comment he wants to be sure to put out on the table as a matter of certain fact, an important enough point to interrupt this mind-blowing story. ]

Gokudera, you aren’t disgusting. You’re amazing. Whatever’s happened— it can haunt you but it can’t define you. Not here.

[ His tone is pointed with conviction. People’s cores can change, he does believe, for better or worse; but only so much. None of this sounded fair. Pure trauma. Undue. And a fucking stupid way to categorize people. What kind of basis for a society is that? He’s uneasy feeling his own hair color suddenly... ]

[Gokudera looks up at Zuko's words and his pupils are abnormally large, his body unmoving as he listens, and takes what he says to heart. To Zuko, he is not disgusting, but... what would the Tenth think?

He'd understand, right? Because he's family. Gokudera can't shake his shame and looks back down, trying to get his breathing under control, which is suddenly very difficult. He closes his eyes.]

There was one thing I could do to be able to keep an eye out for the Tenth. [So naturally, he took that opportunity.]

I had to sell myself as property to an Elite who could take care of me. One person took me in, just to keep me well... but...

[He shifts. Thinking about his first owner makes him uncomfortable. How he was treated makes him uncomfortable. His entire time in that world he hadn't felt so much like property as he had then.]

it didn't last. My last owner had this put on me. [He touches at his collar.] To track me and secure my place in that world, so I wouldn't have to live far from where the Tenth could be.

[There's a lot less panic in his voice. Now it's just fatigue.]

And then he left. [He sighs. People he loves always leave, it seems.]

After a while, so did I. And that world I went on, Anchor... I died on it, and then I got engaged... and now I'm here.

[So now there's just more guilt. He has left behind a bunch of people, and what's worse... someone he loved.]

[ That makes Zuko double-take. ]

Wait, wait— you died...?! And got engaged — to who?! How'd you— um— how'd you come back to life? What?!

[ He wants to know how he died, but stops himself. That's probably not what he needs to describe right now. This is all brain-breaking stuff, indeed, and Zuko's just hearing the recap. Years of this...? His own nine months away from home have already seemed a long time. He'd changed so much in just one year's time, himself. This Gokudera had been through so much now, true trauma, abuse, loss— did he have a sense of his own worth anymore, he wonders? Already that was not his strong point, saw too little in himself even as Zuko knew him. But it sounds like what self-esteem he did have was bruised and beaten, hopefully not entirely out of him. This was so much to take in about someone Zuko loves so much. Time changes a lot; hardship changes more. ]

[He nods, watching Zuko and figures it’ll be best to focus on one question at a time.]

Do you know what a zombie is?

[Maybe that will help?]

Um— like... a reanimated corpse?

[ Um... ]

Right it’s a reanimated corpse. It is fueled by a hunger for human flesh. And I was bitten by one, so in order to keep everyone around me safe, to keep myself from turning into a zombie… I set myself on fire from the inside out.

[He tries to make it sound as simple as possible without mentioning any pain.]

After about a month I came back to that world as if I had never left. The people I left behind knew, obviously...

[ The haunted, haunting look of pain that creeps over Zuko's face at these words cannot be described. Zuko's not even sure he wants to know the details, as tempted as he is to ask, in a sick sense. But he can imagine the pain well enough without; doesn't need to imagine the pain any better to understand its scars. But even those, emotionally, psychologically, are surely more painful than he could even begin to comprehend. It takes him a moment to digest before he can respond, words catching in his throat hoarsely. ]

...Then what?

Edited 2021-04-22 20:35 (UTC)

[Gokudera waits for more questions, and would welcome them concerning the details. As painful as it was to destroy himself, he knows he did it for good reason.]

Then... I was welcomed back with open arms... and life in the dome proceeded as normal. See, it was a planet that was so radioactive, it seems we were just living on some colony left behind, in a dome to keep us safe. The zombies were all destroyed, and I think I was the only casualty.

That was around my birthday... let's see.. Well, when I arrived on Anchor, I still had my collar from my life on Amoi. I met Yamamoto, and for a good while I was keeping it from him that he'd been my owner. I didn't want to put any pressure on him. I allowed him to take the collar off before I died, and with it, he could see memories from Amoi on it. The tech on Anchor allowed him to virtually interact with them, apparently.

Anyways

[That other question. Gokudera looks down at his left hand and the silver band around his ring finger, sticking out clear as day by comparison to all of the other gaudy rings he wears, and the ones that fit with his currently inactive Vongola weapon system.]

Christmas, Takeshi proposed to me. It's... the collar was already something pretty symbolic. I checked and the Yamamoto here isn't wearing his so... it's not the same person.

[Which Zuko should be able to understand the sort of heartbreak Gokudera is feeling. His love for Takeshi... their love together has carried over through time and space. Life and death. Gokudera is loyal to him, but is careful as he mentions Takeshi.]

I don't even think the Tenth knows. I... He may not approve. Something like this would be frowned upon by most families...

[ Gokudera's gaze down at his engagement ring draws Zuko's the same way, noticing, as well. He didn't have the same weight attached to this culturally, but he saw how it stood out, indeed. And the look on Gokudera's face, more tellingly. ]

You and Yamamoto...— you get married...?

[ It takes him a second to process this, tender feelings unmaskable on his face. ]

Gokudera, um—

[ He feels strange, unsure whether or not he should mention this, but it feels like he's staring some force of destiny in the face right now, and he can't meet it in the eye, turning away as he speaks, cheeks hot, voice a little hoarse. ]

You should know, uh— ...in that other world. Prismatica. Lunatia. ...You and Yamamoto started dating then, too.

Ah-! We're engaged! We're too young to be getting married...

[And he's not even sure if that kind of thing would be allowed. Gokudera is equally as flustered as Zuko, but for an entirely different reason.

He listens and blinks and there's so much profound heartache in his expression hearing that, he looks down, draws his hands from the table and turns the band on the finger of his scarred hand.]

He's always been very invested in me... my personal growth, and taking care of me. The Yamamoto here... he's much more... rigid. [Only because Gokudera had been a regular jerk to him all the time and hadn't come to value their relationship.]

He's not my Takeshi. I couldn't say anything to him. It wouldn't be right...

[He'll just have to deal with this. Have to let this Yamamoto watch as the collar restricts him. Gokudera can't tell another version of his love who probably can't return his feelings that the bomber is his property. It'd be far too painful to be freed of the Pet Ring, but suffer heartbreak. He'd rather nurse his feelings while being... damaged, abandoned goods.

Gokudera is quiet as he thinks it over, remembers the look on Takeshi's face as he removed the collar from his neck just before he died, and a tear rolls down his face. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and wipes it away.

Zuko might think it destiny that Gokudera and Yamamoto keep ending up together. Gokudera thinks it's just a cruel joke. Takeshi is trapped in Anchor, in a dome on a radiated planet without him.]

Why should I know that?

[Even if it is believable, that only makes his heart hurt worse.]

[ Zuko's quiet for a moment, taking these words in, eyes drifting to the tabletop thoughtfully. ]

Because... it must be your destiny to be together. Wherever you go. So— you should know that it was true in that world, too.

I've met a Yamamoto who did not feel that way... Didn't return my feelings at all.

[He glares. Gokudera has been with so many people that it's easy to feel like he's never been good enough, and he was happy on that radioactive planet! It was peaceful! There was no mafia, no caste system, no authorities. Just... a quiet place for him and Takeshi to share.]

And I don't know if we're destined to be together. This one and me, anyways. He's a perfect stranger by comparison. [Even if he is the same person, this Yamamoto has no idea what he's been through.]

I mean— for now, right? Maybe you will grow closer here, too...

[ He's trying to be positive about this, optimistic, in the face of everything else Gokudera has told him. This is maybe the hardest and easiest point of all of it, it sounds like. ]

I think I'd rather not tell him.

[Better the uncertainty of it all rather than rejection. Gokudera's mood has turned awful. He hadn't been dwelling on this earlier, had been more overwhelmed about how he's supposed to fit in amongst everyone in Camelot without a single person that's gone through the worlds he has.

There isn't a soul he thinks he can relate to. Gokudera pulls out a fresh cigarette and spends a moment fumbling with his lighter. His left hand has gone stiff, has seen too much damage, and he's too frustrated to deal with it. If Zuko doesn't help him by offering him a light via one of his fidget-lighters, Gokudera is going to hurl his nice looking zippo right into the street.]

[ Zuko's wearing a contemplative, empathetic frown, eyes glancing up to Gokudera's face after a moment. And indeed, when he sees he's struggling with his lighter, Zuko grabs one of his own from his pocket, reaching across the table with his hand cupped round the flame to protect it from the wind for the bomber to light up, all gentlemanly-like. ]

I dunno, Gokudera. I mean, don't tell him now — there's too much on your mind, man... But someday you should be honest about it. Hiding it will hurt, too.

[Gokudera inhales to ignite his cigarette, and sets the lighter he’d been struggling with down. His hand is mildly disfigured compared to his right, the digits resting bowed slightly. He stares down at it, forcing the digits to lay flat as he gives a soft exhale and smoke curls out of his nose and between his teeth. His eyes shut and he tries to force himself to calm down.

Zuko is right. There is too much on his mind. Without his Rain flames, he doesn’t know how to calm himself, can’t stop that restless guilt knotting itself in his stomach.]

You’re right. [He’s not too proud to admit that.]

Maybe I’ll find my own place... see about getting myself settled so I don’t disrupt him or the Tenth.

Not a bad idea, if it'd make you feel better.

[ He leans back, pocketing the lighter again eyes drifting to Gokudera's injured hand with furrowed brows, but without comment. ]

Just don't assume they don't want you around anymore. They're still your friends.

...

[He feels called out. He’s spent so long isolated from his friends and family, being a mongrel... being less.]

Right but I think I might be better off alone...

[Gokudera voices it like a question, just really uncertain of how much he’s valued when his self-worth has never been very high.]

Wait a few days. Get your bearings. Then decide.

[ He raises his eyebrows, not meaning to scold, but... meaning to speak plainly. He cares about his friend's wellbeing, and knows he's not the only one. ]

Today's probably not the best day to make big decisions.

[Gokudera doesn’t take Zuko’s words as a scolding but advice. He pouts but nods, then focuses on his cigarette and takes a sip from his cappuccino. Colder than he likes, but it was ordered for him and he won’t be rude.]

Sorry to get you mixed up in all my drama...

[Even if they are friends, he doesn’t want to inconvenience him.]

What? I want to be. You're my friend.

[ Matter-of-fact, no room for contention. ]

[He feels guilty, and not that Zuko is his friend, but that he wants to help him. Gokudera shouldn’t need help. He should be able to handle this on his own.]

I’m not arguing whether you’re my friend, Zuko. Do you have any ideas for something I could do to take my mind off it?

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CW: mentions of underage sex

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cw: mentions of slavery

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