rediscovering | avalon inbox;

It is.

[Uncomfortable and intense. Gokudera is still thinking back, reminiscing about some of his first ever really intense sexual experiences on Amoi. Hearing Linneus mention that he'd been owned before brings him back and his hand being accepted is warm, familiar, and comforting. It feels not too long ago he was so stuck thinking he would be alone in what he'd been through. Linneus is a comfort to him in so many ways that it's obvious with this physical contact Gokudera is more comfortable now than he's seemed in the last few weeks, or since he ever even woke up.

He listens, his thumb stroking the back of Linneus's hand and over his knuckles. Part of him wishes that they had been in different classes. Gokudera would have appreciated the care that this man has given him.]

[ He notices their hands holding, but averts his eyes. He can't imagine — doesn't really want to imagine — what both of them must have been through in that place. It all sounds so bizarre; it made Lunatia sound like a vacation getaway, which he's now feeling a little sheepish for having resented so much then... He tone is tempered when he speaks, taking in Linneus' words with due gravity. ]

...That's noble of you. Not everyone would have that reaction, if given the power — even if they'd been in the opposite position themselves before. Power and control do something to people. It's impressive you remained kind in, um— if I can say so, a world that really doesn't sound like it encouraged so much kindness, either...

No, that is true. Natives to Amoi - those who had never known life elsewhere... they could be particularly cruel. The society practically encouraged it. For one holiday, whipping Mongrels was one of the yearly traditions.

[holding Gokudera's hand a little bit tighter, or his hand would be rising to the back of his neck, his shoulders.]

And so especially after the castes changed, there were former Pets who perhaps had an axe to grind against their former Masters. For those Elites who had no contracts... it was as much as being turned out into destitution. They forced from Tanagura, where everything was given to them, to make their own way in Midas, in the slums. Naturally the changeover itself proved... quite chaotic within the city itself. Though now I look back on it, I was 'high' at the time - I wandered somewhere I perhaps ought not have been...!

[Gokudera hasn't heard that story - his glance toward him is almost sheepish - though it is probably clear for anyone that it is not exactly a habit for Linneus, given that the word is so obviously borrowed]

We were at least a little prepared, when our contracts expired, though that was almost a year after. It was hardly easy-living in Midas but I felt rather more comfortable there than Tanagura. I have always worked, so I was not used to sitting idle...!

[Gokudera has heard enough about Lunatia that really, it sounds so mild compared to Amoi. That world wanted people to touch, doesn't sound so sex-focused as Amoi had been. With the pressure of... performance, and the caste system, it all felt like a trap to keep Gokudera back in the mental state he'd been trying to overcome. He's still struggling to value himself, having what little self-worth he had stepped on, having the title mongrel beaten in... it's a miracle he's still strong. Linneus helps. He knows that the other thinks of him as strong, and worth more than he's ever been treated or seen himself.]

And as time went on, the world would turn you into a native. You'd have memories altered... dreams of home that seemed more like nightmares and less like the truth...

[He's not letting go of that hand, and he knows what holiday Linneus is referring to. How Hibari had helped him in injuring those who whipped this kind pink-haired young man.]

Living in Midas as a mongrel made me feel like I was back home... and that things would never get better. [He's a bit stuck in his head now.]

[ Zuko listens on, feeling the weight of their words, his face awash with a look that's both empathic and disturbed at once, discerning, a frown tugging his lips and brow. He skips a beat after Gokudera's statement, chewing it all over, coming to a final verdict that may be delivered, well— a bit casually for what he's actually asking... ]

...How the fuck are you guys okay after a place like that?

[ ...Are they, even? Maybe not. ]

[nodding his head at that]

Mmm - that was the most insidious part of it, I think. It got into one's dreams, one's memories. Even saying "Natives to Amoi"... it is more grey than that, perhaps. I am thankful that for me, it never progressed too far beyond strange memories and confusion - it was so easy for me to cast my life in Amoi's terms, until I would find a gap, or something that didn't fit, and I'd start questioning things.

[a sip of his tea, a squeeze of Gokudera's hand]

But many of us came to a feeling of belonging that was... quite unnatural, even though much of the time it felt anything but that. For a lot of people those 'gaps' closed and it became near-impossible to see the old life underneath. That the memories had changed, or how much. My journal from that time is... a troubling read.

Okay?

[He shakes his head gently.]

It's... a matter of progress. [They will be okay. It's just going to be a development to get there.

Gokudera remembers his journal. He still has it, and it is clearly damaged, but it's private and mostly written in G-script, a recollection of memories from Namimori and him going over them day by day to see any discrepancies.]

I brought mine with me. [It's basically a small black notebook a little larger than a moleskine pocket notebook. In his pocket with a picture of his boss and Yamamoto. He used to show people on Amoi in the hopes he'd find Tsuna.]

Wait— it... corrupted your memories from home? Like changed them, made you forget, made your recollection of your real life foggy...? As if you'd always been there?

[ Zuko's growing more and more disturbed with everything he hears about these places. His face shows his troubled thoughts over it. He's suddenly feeling so lucky that the worlds he's been spirited away to have been fairly benign... Prismatica just wanted people to touch, not necessarily fuck, no caste systems, no corruption... And Avalon— well, really, it's been a walk in the park apart from his own shortcomings. Were he not royalty and knew how to do things and take care of himself so he wasn't broke all the time, which he recognizes on some level at least, he could be living the easy life here. He's content practicing his magic; it's a project for him. He has all his friends here. Everyone remembers home, remembers Lunatia, with the exception of Gokudera... but clearly, even that gap between them has been no huge hindrance to rebuilding their friendship. But this other world... Amoi... Zuko finds himself counting his lucky stars almost literally, cosmically displaced to somewhere arguably quite comfortable. ]

Mmm. When I remembered things-- this may not be a good example, but there was this technology on Amoi called a "skin", you could use it to change the appearance of things. So when I was gifted one that turned my bedroom into a garden the appearance was changed, but... it was still the same four walls, the same bed and furniture. For me, it was like that with my memories?

[furrowing his brow - he barely understands modern tech, he's not convinced he's given a sound analogy at all.]

I would remember my upbringing in Guardian - where children were raised on Amoi; and I'd remember there were other boys with me. But I was never raised with many other children - only my master's son. So I could prattle on about these 'other children' but I could never have told you their names - what they looked like. And then the other way around - I remember climbing up to the rooftop on summer nights and watching the stars, but all of Amoi's roofs are too high to climb to. The shapes are different-- even the sky is the wrong colour.

[glancing down - his familiar has settled on his free hand]

One begins to doubt oneself - which memories are real and which are made up. I would say I pride myself on remembering names and faces-- it was distressing when such things started to fade, and some stayed lost to me even after my memory cleared. [trying for a little levity] Until I came here I still wondered sometimes whether I might be going senile early...!

Hibari did not remember Namimori. I remember being upset at him for that. But he'd been on Amoi for so long, I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere else took its place to him. I... Thought my parents were split up because they were part of different castes... but I never once saw a child or heard of any children being delivered. Aside from my memories...

[Gokudera hopes his explanation clarifies, considering he knows that he's told Zuko a great deal about Hibari.]

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Oof, this was longer than I meant it to be, sorry...!

we love the too-long tags here. Write me an essay, please <3

extra long tag club, we love long tags yes please all the words

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sorry for the delay!! fell in a hole lol. let's continue if y'all would like!

You may have to stop me ^^;

I'm not stopping anyone, including myself!